I remember standing in the aisle of Target listening to your romantic history. It was drenched in shameful tears and misunderstandings. I asked a few questions and wondered why were you giving me this information. It was unusual. I thought we were just running errands, but a quick trip turned into sharing pockets full of memories over lunch. Through our exchange, I saw that you wanted love. I realized I did too.
As weeks passed, heart flutters turned into butterflies. Slight smirks of flirts when we gathered. Invitations through text messages led me to believe you were trying to initiate something. I watched and waited. When I wrestled with uncertainty, I would let go of the idea of you. Why? Because if he is interested, he will tell her. I didn’t have to manipulate. I could trust the God in you to be honest with me. If all else fails, God will do for both of us better than I knew.
After months of this, I finally just asked you because I desired truth. I was relieved to have answers. Confused by the ones you gave me. I hate to admit it, but I was hurt. I forgot the feeling it brings to the soul. No one can prepare you for it. You have to grieve your losses. Allow God to gather the shards of your heart and heal it back together. If you do it, you will cut yourself, however the tears are inevitable. I cried listening to the faint whispers of “Was it me? Did I misread something? Maybe I did. Did I not protect my heart?”. This wasn’t the hard part because I believe rejection is a part of the single’s journey. It was the blatant denial for your actions. You explained it was a woman's job to protect her own heart not yours. I saw that my heart was nothing more than a rag to spit shine your ego and wipe your conscious clean. To think I was called to love you?! *insert emoji eye roll*
I chose to hold the hand of bitterness and cold shoulders. Some days I wanted to be the "bigger person", but I wasn’t. Others I pretended I wasn't hurt, but I was. Through prayer and confession with God and close friends, He helped me to love you despite your lack of care for my heart. This was no easy process. From every hello to how can I help, felt like death. He used my little efforts to grow compassion in me. In my duty to love, I found forgiveness and redemption. I saw the love Christ has for His bride - to love you for who you are not my idea of you or what you could do for me. This is my standard and God would have it no other way. This isn’t an invitation to be a stalker, stay in an unhealthy relationship, or sweep heartbreak under the rug. It is an invitation to cry, be angry, and place it all behind the Cross to find tenderhearted forgiveness in Christ Jesus.
To my heartbreaker, I pray that God would break your heart for the heart of women. To the those who have had your heart broken by those in the faith, I pray this encourages you to fight to love and trust that God will do for the both of you better than you know. I pray that we all see heartbreak as a small chapter in a long love story with our God.